The U.S.A. is repossessing the U.K.'s repossession.A message from someone considerably less famous than John Cleese…
To the citizens of the United Kingdom:
In reply to your recent allegation of American incompetence and neglect of social norms and customs, please find laid out below a point for point response to each of your illegitimate claims.
First things first, lay off Kansas. Sure, it's not exactly a glamorous state, but Kansas was home to both George Washington Carver and Paul Rudd. Do you like peanut butter and emotionally immature gender neutral romantic comedies? Then give Kansas a break.
Secondly, we already hold a national survey to determine the populations' level of political awareness. It's called the general election, and 64% of us took part in 2004. If the UK finds this turnout unacceptably low, and I can already hear the “whinging” from across the Atlantic Ocean, I would suggest you address the matter of your own electoral letdown of 61% in 2005 before taking issue with ours.
1, 2, & 3. American English (which will henceforth be referred to as simply 'English') has far fewer regional accents and dialects than British English, and can therefore be regarded as being much closer to a standard form. For your reference, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines 'standard' as something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example. Some of your “accents” are so impossible to understand that they can scarcely be labeled as “language”, let alone any form of standard English. Also, please take note that adding extra, unnecessary letters to certain words is pompus and inefficient. This is yet another example of our impressive ability to streamline everything. Why type "doughnut" when "donut" is so much faster and less ridiculous? The next time you see fit to develop an operating system(or any piece of software) worthy of worldwide distribution, you can feel free to impose your spell checker on people. Until then, it's "realize" and "center", best you just get used to it. Also, on a somewhat unrelated note, we already know God Save the Queen. It's called My Country Tis of Thee.
4. The UK is just jealous of our eleven bank holidays to your eight. Besides, everyone likes fireworks and you know it. If you do not, I am suddenly not surprised that you live in England.
5. As 70% of the American population supports stricter gun control, we actually agree with you on this point. We have logged your complaint and will bring this to the attention of the other 30% in a timely manner. And another thing. If your barristers spent less time dressing up in wigs, you might feel inclined to make more use of them too.
6. We're ignoring this comment as it is simply far too silly. I will make an agreement with you, though. When your policemen cease wearing those absolutely ridiculous hats (I won’t even get into the guys in the red coats), we’ll consider carrying around vegetable peelers.
7. You may think your cars are more efficient than ours, but we know ours are more aesthetically pleasing. Case and point::
American Made Car
British Made Car
Of course, some of you might cite Aston Martin as the pinnacle of British automotive engineering. I would concede that they make a fine automobile, but then I would kindly remind you that they are owned by Ford, which means that once again, we, the Americans, have taken something you were careless with and seen it swiftly groomed to perfection (See: English language).
8. If it's all the same to you, we'll keep our infrastructure and units of measurement as is. We do just fine with Fahrenheit as the majority of us are capable of understanding numbers higher than 50.
9. This is why we got rid of the monarch - so we wouldn't be Royally screwed over gas prices.
10. Crisp isn't a food product, it's an adjective. In the good ole' U S of A we name our products after verbs, like sane people. When you fry a potato you end up with, you guessed it, a fry. Perfectly logical. Not to mention the fact that although a thicker-cut, English-style fried potato wedge is a popular dish in most Commonwealth countries, the thin style of french fries has been popularized worldwide by the US (please see the definition of "standard" above).
11. The United States of America would like to take this opportunity to state that the views and opinions of the Mass Production Breweries within our borders are expressly those of the Breweries and do not reflect the views and opinions of the country as a whole. In our defence, we would like to cite the Steam Brewery of California, as well as the Rogue Brewery of Colorado. We would also like to take a moment to point out the popularity of Budweiser within the UK. Shame on us? Shame on you.
12. According to the filmsite They Shoot Pictures Top 1000 Films, which collects votes from well over 1600 different film lists, there is only one British director listed in the Top 10 films of all time as of December 2007. (Well done, Alfred.) How’s about when you start to contribute more than 10% to the world's film industry, we'll think about including you in more Hollywood blockbusters. You've got to give a little to get a little. Also, isn’t Hugh Grant British? He’s in pretty much every movie over here. You can have him back, if you really want him, but we’re definitely keeping Paltrow.
13 & 14. You play a sport that takes three to five days to finish one match because the players are all faffing about sipping tea and enjoying little finger sandwiches with the crust cut off. And you call us nancies?
15. Lee Harvey Oswald. Apparently Google hasn’t made it into main stream British culture. This is forgivable, as it is our understanding you all still live in isolated villages of thatched-roof houses tending sheep and growing potatoes (or is the potato thing Ireland? All the same to us!).
16. The IRS has a hard enough time getting Americans to pay our own taxes (see: Wesley Snipes). If you want to have a crack at it, you're welcome to it.
17. We see where you're going with the cookies and cake angle. And, although we're a bit hesitant of the tea aspect of it all, we're intrigued by this "tea time" of yours. However promising this idea may be, it will have to be over promptly at 5 pm, as this is Happy Hour.
God Bless the USA.
Thanks for all of the great TV,
The Committee for American Retort
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.>> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Regards,
JC
