Creative Writing: read the second first.

The U.S.A. is repossessing the U.K.'s repossession.
A message from someone considerably less famous than John Cleese…


To the citizens of the United Kingdom:

In reply to your recent allegation of American incompetence and neglect of social norms and customs, please find laid out below a point for point response to each of your illegitimate claims.

First things first, lay off Kansas. Sure, it's not exactly a glamorous state, but Kansas was home to both George Washington Carver and Paul Rudd. Do you like peanut butter and emotionally immature gender neutral romantic comedies? Then give Kansas a break.

Secondly, we already hold a national survey to determine the populations' level of political awareness. It's called the general election, and 64% of us took part in 2004. If the UK finds this turnout unacceptably low, and I can already hear the “whinging” from across the Atlantic Ocean, I would suggest you address the matter of your own electoral letdown of 61% in 2005 before taking issue with ours.

1, 2, & 3. American English (which will henceforth be referred to as simply 'English') has far fewer regional accents and dialects than British English, and can therefore be regarded as being much closer to a standard form. For your reference, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines 'standard' as something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example. Some of your “accents” are so impossible to understand that they can scarcely be labeled as “language”, let alone any form of standard English. Also, please take note that adding extra, unnecessary letters to certain words is pompus and inefficient. This is yet another example of our impressive ability to streamline everything. Why type "doughnut" when "donut" is so much faster and less ridiculous? The next time you see fit to develop an operating system(or any piece of software) worthy of worldwide distribution, you can feel free to impose your spell checker on people. Until then, it's "realize" and "center", best you just get used to it. Also, on a somewhat unrelated note, we already know God Save the Queen. It's called My Country Tis of Thee.

4. The UK is just jealous of our eleven bank holidays to your eight. Besides, everyone likes fireworks and you know it. If you do not, I am suddenly not surprised that you live in England.

5. As 70% of the American population supports stricter gun control, we actually agree with you on this point. We have logged your complaint and will bring this to the attention of the other 30% in a timely manner. And another thing. If your barristers spent less time dressing up in wigs, you might feel inclined to make more use of them too.

6. We're ignoring this comment as it is simply far too silly. I will make an agreement with you, though. When your policemen cease wearing those absolutely ridiculous hats (I won’t even get into the guys in the red coats), we’ll consider carrying around vegetable peelers.

7. You may think your cars are more efficient than ours, but we know ours are more aesthetically pleasing. Case and point::

American Made Car














British Made Car














Of course, some of you might cite Aston Martin as the pinnacle of British automotive engineering. I would concede that they make a fine automobile, but then I would kindly remind you that they are owned by Ford, which means that once again, we, the Americans, have taken something you were careless with and seen it swiftly groomed to perfection (See: English language).

8. If it's all the same to you, we'll keep our infrastructure and units of measurement as is. We do just fine with Fahrenheit as the majority of us are capable of understanding numbers higher than 50.

9. This is why we got rid of the monarch - so we wouldn't be Royally screwed over gas prices.

10. Crisp isn't a food product, it's an adjective. In the good ole' U S of A we name our products after verbs, like sane people. When you fry a potato you end up with, you guessed it, a fry. Perfectly logical. Not to mention the fact that although a thicker-cut, English-style fried potato wedge is a popular dish in most Commonwealth countries, the thin style of french fries has been popularized worldwide by the US (please see the definition of "standard" above).

11. The United States of America would like to take this opportunity to state that the views and opinions of the Mass Production Breweries within our borders are expressly those of the Breweries and do not reflect the views and opinions of the country as a whole. In our defence, we would like to cite the Steam Brewery of California, as well as the Rogue Brewery of Colorado. We would also like to take a moment to point out the popularity of Budweiser within the UK. Shame on us? Shame on you.

12. According to the filmsite They Shoot Pictures Top 1000 Films, which collects votes from well over 1600 different film lists, there is only one British director listed in the Top 10 films of all time as of December 2007. (Well done, Alfred.) How’s about when you start to contribute more than 10% to the world's film industry, we'll think about including you in more Hollywood blockbusters. You've got to give a little to get a little. Also, isn’t Hugh Grant British? He’s in pretty much every movie over here. You can have him back, if you really want him, but we’re definitely keeping Paltrow.

13 & 14. You play a sport that takes three to five days to finish one match because the players are all faffing about sipping tea and enjoying little finger sandwiches with the crust cut off. And you call us nancies?

15. Lee Harvey Oswald. Apparently Google hasn’t made it into main stream British culture. This is forgivable, as it is our understanding you all still live in isolated villages of thatched-roof houses tending sheep and growing potatoes (or is the potato thing Ireland? All the same to us!).

16. The IRS has a hard enough time getting Americans to pay our own taxes (see: Wesley Snipes). If you want to have a crack at it, you're welcome to it.

17. We see where you're going with the cookies and cake angle. And, although we're a bit hesitant of the tea aspect of it all, we're intrigued by this "tea time" of yours. However promising this idea may be, it will have to be over promptly at 5 pm, as this is Happy Hour.


God Bless the USA.

Thanks for all of the great TV,
The Committee for American Retort






Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese


To the citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.>> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Regards,
JC

Cheese it, the fuzz!

I was awoken at 1:00 a.m. Monday morning as every single buzzer in my apartment building roared to life. These buzzers are, at the best of times, obnoxiously loud. Being woken up by a symphony of them nearly gave me a heart attack. My neighbour, Charles, took the initiative to find out what was going on. As soon as he lifted the latch to our main door, he was pushed aside by ten armed police officers.

All I heard was Charles informing the officers that "the stairs only go up one flight" and an officer responding "GET BACK IN YOUR FLAT!". As they clamoured up the stairs I, being half asleep and partially nude, had a sudden moment of panic; convinced I was about to be exposed to several members of Scotland Yard as the burst into my apartment looking for God knows what. Of course, this was not the case. The band of bobbies stopped on the first flight and turned into our strange courtyard (more like an enclosed alleyway) and searched the 5'x10' area much longer than you would think necessary for a 5'x10' area. I then heard them say something to the affect of "All clear, get back to the street" and they were gone.

The next day, I asked Charles if he knew what the hell that was all about. He shrugged and said "they wanted to get to the roof to arrest two Chinese woman in bathrobes".

I can now proudly say I have survived my very first police raid. I live in an interesting place.

Shelley

I've always held that I have a pretty crap name. I mean, Shelley? It's so awkward. It's only half a name, really. Everyone always asks if it's short for Michelle. No! If my name was Michelle, why would I want to go by Shelley? It's a name for a turtle, not a people.

My dad picked my name and has always justified it by saying "it's a proper British name". Didn't do me a lot of good - until now. I usually cringe when I hear people say may name. It always feels awkward to me. But, here in London, spoken with an accent, my name sounds normal! It's kind of nice.

Anyway, that was pointless. Here's a chart I found:

This is sort of hard to read, so I'll summarize. My name has not been popular since the late 50s, early 60s. It's been in steady decline ever since. Way to fight the trend, dad!

How do you feel about your name?

Funny Games U.S.

Has anyone heard of this or, God forbid, seen this? I think it's important to state upfront that it's not a bad movie. I only include the "God forbid" because you are all dear friends of mine who I don't want to see mind-fucked.

Let me explain.

Funny Games U.S. is a shot for shot remake of an Austrian film of the same name (minus the U.S. part, obviously). It opens on a happy little family - Mother, Father, and Son - on their way to their luxurious lake house in a well-to-do gated community. They quickly run into two young men, who are "guests" of their neighbours. The young men climb over their fence to ask if they can borrow some eggs. After what seems like a painstakingly long conversation - just as you start to scream inside your head "GET OUT! Get them out!" - the father's leg is broken and the whole family is gagged and bound. The rest of the movie is a truly disturbing depiction of these people desperately trying to survive. It's not a fun movie to watch. You will not enjoy yourself. You will cringe. You'll feel disgusted. But, it's a well made movie. It's well written, it's beautifully acted and it's well shot.

I hated it.

But, not for the reasons you might think. The theatre I was in started with maybe sixteen people. By the end of the movie, at least a third of them had walked out. I think these people were turned off by the violence and by the nature of the story. I didn't necessarily mind that (though it bothered me (because I'm human)). What really got to me was the way the movie gets into your head. The plot of the movie revolves around these two sadistic kids playing "games" with this capture family. But, what you don't necessarily realize throughout the film is that these guys are really playing a game with you, the viewer. There are a couple of moments where the lead sadistic kid breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the audience. Asking us "who's side are you on" and inviting you to take part in the bet. At another point, when you think there might actually be hope for the family, he tells you "neither of us want it to go this way". A subtle remark that could be taken as "neither of the young men" or "neither the young men nor the audience" (I'm arguing the later here). At the end of the movie the kid stares straight into the camera with this insanely sick smile and it's not until that moment that you realize you've lost. You sat through the whole movie. You watched them kill that family, and that's what they wanted. Maybe you even wanted them to kill that family. The whole time they are daring us to make them stop, to walk out, to keep it from happening. But, by sitting there and watching it, we let it happen. This is confounded by the fact that it's a remake. A shot for shot remake. It's not like you didn't know what you were getting yourself into, if only you took the time to find out. It's kind of hard to explain, and I don't feel I am necessarily doing a good job. It's the only movie I can think of that has actually made me feel violated. I felt tricked. And I felt dirty.

Maybe that's just me. Maybe everyone else who sees it won't think twice about it. But I thought it was an interesting psychological commentary. I mean, we're all voyeurs - these movies are made because we like to watch people get hurt (or wrecked, or blown up, or eaten by zombies). But this movie takes that to a whole knew level. It's too real in it's simplicity and straight forward approach. It draws you in. It doesn't necessarily feel like a movie. In the same respect, I find it interesting that the collapse of the fourth wall doesn't take you out of the movie, as is usually the case. It actually brings you into it even more, which I think can be attributed to the over all style of the film.

I don't know. I'm kind of rambling at this point. I'll leave it at this: on the one hand, I did not enjoy this movie and would never recommend it. On the other, I found it very interesting/intelligent and would recommend it to a certain kind of person. That means this review is completely worthless and you'll have to decide for yourself if you want to watch it. If you do see it, let me know what you think.

It's the best friends that need you

If you'd like to hear some of the more memorable exploits of my college life as told by some of my favorite people, you can check out a series of nine clips on youtube that Blair put together for me for my birthday.



I have to say, this is one of the best birthday presents ever. It made me so very happy - and sad - and I love it. It is a bit disconcerting, however, that the majority of the stories revolve around me being embarrassingly drunk. Fond memories, indeed.

From a monstrous email to Germ:

I've cracked my knuckles, stretched out the arms, and am ready to type. This is going to be a long one…

I can safely say Rome is the greatest place I have ever been. Having been to Italy twice now, I may even go so far as to say it's my favourite country I have yet to have the pleasure to visit. There is something about the culture - a certain vibe - that I can't seem to get enough of. If I spoke Italian, I could happily live there. Maybe I'll try to teach myself some of the language…
We arrived around 7 o'clock Tuesday night. As you know, Darren was gimp-tastic, so we didn't do too much walking around that night. I wanted him to rest up for the two walking tours we had scheduled the next day. There was no way I was going to let him crap out on me - not in Rome. That night, we had an amazing dinner at a little place not far from our hotel. I think one of my favourite things about vacations - particularly in Italy - is that food becomes an event. We sat outside this little restaurant for nearly four hours nibbling and sipping away. For dessert, we shared some sort of apple cinnamon meringue custard pie thing. We tried to get the waiter to explain to us exactly what it was, but we never figured it out. All I know is that it was delicious.

Wednesday, we got up bright and early and went over to the Castle of the Angels. Rather unfortunately, with Darren's gimpness, we didn't have the opportunity to walk from point A to point B, which I think would have been the way to go. Instead, we cabbed it everywhere, which got particularly expensive but was necessary. The Castle was really cool. The guide book I had with me (what? I'm the greatest tourist ever, and you know it) described the structure as a veritable hamburger of history. The place started as a mausoleum for Hadrian (I think) and then had bits and pieces added on for each of it's new uses. It spent most of it's life as a Papal stronghold for treasures, papers, and prisoners. One of the popes even walled himself up in it for a while when he thought his life was at risk. Because of this, there was a really crazy mix of run down Castle rooms next to wildly adorned rooms gilded and covered from floor to ceiling in frescos. I have never spent so much time admiring ceilings in my life as I did in Rome. They were all about the ceiling decorations. The castle had an adorable little café tucked away on one of the top levels. We sat and had a coffee while enjoying the views of the city. It was, I think, a pretty splendid way to start my first day in Rome.

We had the first of our guided tours at one. We hobbled our way down towards the Vatican (and I say "we" hobbled because I did develop a sort of sympathy limp) and proceeded to get incredibly lost. Well, actually, we weren't lost. I knew exactly where we were - I just didn't know where we were suppose to meet the guide. I had also managed to forget the piece of paper with said guides number on it. This is where I cried. Silly? Yeah. But I was really truly horribly upset that we had missed the tour and thought that I had completely ruined out trip within the first twelve hours. Fortunately, (after being incredibly rude to my mom on the phone because she can't work computers (for which I later apologised profusely)) I got the number and was able to get in touch with Matthew, our tour guide. It turns out, our "group" tour consisted of just Darren and I, so we hadn't missed anything nor had we been holding anyone up. So we met up with Matthew and he took us into the Vatican. Matthew is a Canadian Art History major studying within the Papal schools. In short, he knows absolutely everything you would ever want to know about anything within the Vatican walls. I could not have asked for a better guide (and he was pretty cute). We managed to get Darren a wheelchair, which was good for him and fun for me; I let him go roll down a lot of ramps and pushed him into a lot of walls. As far as what we saw, I am kind of at a loss for words. This is true with everything I saw - it was really just too incredible to take in.

Have you been inside the Vatican? I am going to assume you have and just start rambling about my favourite things. Again, the ceilings (in particular the Sistine Chapel - oh my sweet Jesus that's the definition of humbling) were mind-boggling. The Map Chamber was incredible. The Tapestry Hallway was amazing. All the statues, and tombs, and that giant bath tub! In the same room as the giant bath tub, is this absolutely amazing mosaic floor. Matthew explained how this Vatican found this floor in an ancient villa in South Italy and, since they liked it, they ganked it and brought it back with them. Apparently, that's how the Vatican got most of their stuff; through pillaging. I think my absolute favourite thing inside the Vatican had to be Raphael's
School of Athens. Freshman year, I took a ancient art history course and the School of Athens was one of the paintings we talked the most about. I have studied, in great detail, every inch of that piece of artwork and taken several tests specifically about this one piece of art. And there, in the Vatican, I turned a corner and came face to face with it. It was just there on the wall, or rather, it was the wall. It wasn't behind glass, it wasn't framed, it wasn't cordoned off by any security. It was just there. The freakin' School of Athens. I could have touched it if I had wanted to (but I obviously didn't as the last thing I would want to do is ruin some of the greatest work ever produced by touching it with my grubby, unworthy, hands). That pretty much just bowled me over. Even more than the Sistine Chapel. Don't get me wrong, that was indescribably amazing as well, but seeing that equally famous (if not more so) work did not have nearly the same effect on me. I also got really annoyed by all the people who used flash photography (that destroys frescos!) and insisted on talking very loudly even after guards asked them nicely to show respect and refrain from speaking in the chapel. I hate tourists - or, rather, I hate people who don't appreciate what they are experiencing. Oh! Speaking of: as we were leaving the Raphael rooms and heading towards the chapel I over heard another tour group conversation that went a little something like this:

Woman: What's back there? (indicating towards the Raphael rooms)
Tour Guide: Oh, nothing, just more museum. You don't need to see that, we go to the Sistine Chapel now.

JUST MORE MUSEUM?! I wanted to turn around and grab that woman by the shoulders and insist she DID need to see that. In retrospect, I probably should had - well, not grab her by the shoulders, but at least let her know what she was missing. Matthew said that a lot of the tour guides that take groups through there act like that. Apparently, they get paid more the more tours they do, so they rush everyone through. Again. I am so glad we found Matthew. After the Vatican Museums and the Chapel, we were walked through St. Peter's church. I now know this is the single largest church in the world, with St. Paul's in London (which we will climb to the very top of and look out over the city) coming in second. The Vatican has actually taken the time to mark along the centre aisle the lengths of the other large churches in the world just to show how much bigger theirs is. This is where I made an accidental penis joke and told Matthew that the Vatican, of all people, should know it is the size of the church that matters. I was going for a "it's the size of the faith" thing, but it came out really dirty and I felt bad for having accidentally blasphemed in the world's largest church. We then learned about how the Vatican found St. Peter's bones directly below the centre alter in the church after centuries of looking for his tombs in the surrounding fields. I find this a little too convenient and don't think I buy into it, but it's a good story nonetheless. Another good story: a crazy dude came into the church with a hammer and started pounding away at Michelangelo's Piety, knocking off an arm, a nose, and a few other chunks of beautiful artwork before security was able to tackle him. In the chaos, a bunch of tourist grabbed the pieces of broken marble and ran off with them. First off, who the hell strolls into a church and destroys ancient masterpieces for no apparent reason?! Secondly, who the hell then STEALS pieces of said masterpiece?! The Pope then issued a release in which he kindly requested that anyone who had a piece of the Piety return it to the church, and there would be no action taken against them. I think, even if you aren't religious, you sort of HAVE to obey the Pope. Apparently, a lot of other people agree with me on that one and every single piece of missing marble was returned and they were able to restore the sculpture. Unfortunately, they now keep it behind bullet proof glass and you can't get as good of a look at it as you could before.

We said our goodbyes to Matthew, and headed to our second group tour of the day. This one was a night tour of the city and, again, we found ourselves as the only members of the "group". This time, our guide was an (also cute) Irish writer named Shane, who just happened to know a lot about antiquity - and I mean A LOT. The sheer knowledge this guy has was seriously overwhelming. He asked us up front how much we already knew about Rome and how much we wanted to know. We explained we knew the basics and were really interested in knowing as much as he could tell us. This wasn't a mistake, per say, but he did then proceed to unload more names, dates, and details than I thought any one person could know. We walk through sort of the central part of the city, starting at the Monument of Victor Emanuel (also known as the Wedding Cake), stopping at Trajan's Column, the Trevi Fountain, Piazza Monteaiterro, the Pantheon (Oh My God, Breath Taking), Piazzo Navone, the Teatro di Pompeii, and the Area Sacra. Again, I am just going to assume you know what all these things are. At every stop, Shane imparted more knowledge on us than I could handle. I wish I had taken notes. He did a really incredible job of explaining all the connections between popes and emperors and architects and artists and how they all worked with each other and against each other to create what we see today. I wish I could explain the experience better, but really I am just at a loss for words. It was, simply put, perfect. Having two incredibly educated guys give you private tours of Rome is not a bad way of seeing the city.

Thursday, we spent the day at the Roman Forum, the Coliseum, and Palatine Hill. We didn't have a tour set up for this day, and ended up joining one once we got there. In retrospect, we should have asked Shane what he was doing Thursday, and paid him to be our educated friend for the day. Oh well. Instead, we had a fairly adorable old Italian man show us around the Coliseum. I can't say I really trust any of the tid-bits he told us, but I didn't really care. I was just excited to be standing inside the Coliseum. You could have told me puppies ate my mom and I still would have been happy. One thing that I would really liked cleared up - because my Latin teachers and this old guy seem to be in disagreement over this fact - is whether or
not they actually held Naval battles inside the Coliseum. Old dude made a pretty fair argument as to why they couldn't have; the arena was too small, there was no way to get the boats inside, and flooding the arena meant flooding the chambers below. But, at the same time, I find it hard to believe that every Latin/Classics teacher I have ever had lied to me. Wiki, here I come! After the Coliseum, the old dude passed us off to a smarmy dude in a track suite who then showed us around Palatine Hill. Just looking at this guy, I had zero respect for his knowledge of anything and proceeded to take a lot of pictures and pretty much ignore him completely. I think we had just been spoiled by Matthew and Shane, who had not only told us the basics but really went in depth and gave us some great information. Old dude and Smarmy dude, understandably, we playing to the lowest common denominator and really didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. And, occasionally, told us things we knew were wrong because Shane and Matt had taught us otherwise. Despite my snooty opinion of the tour guides, Palatine Hill was amazing. I think it has to be one of the prettiest places I have ever been. It's just gorgeous. I nerded out pretty hard core over this tiny little plaque in the ground that signified the "exact spot" Romulus founded Rome. I also liked the trees way more than I normal person should. I know, what a weird thing to like. But they were seriously awesome trees! Anyway, once we climbed back down the hill (which was a bit of an effort of Darren's part) we went to the meeting spot for the next part of the tour. We, along with about ten other people, had paid ten euro each to be lead through the Coliseum, Palatine Hill, and the Forum. However, whether it was a miscommunication or we were swindled, there was no third part of the tour. Darren and I waited around with a Scottish couple, a British kid, and a Mom/Daughter duo from D.C. for about twenty minutes before we decided to go it alone. All of us went together over to the forum and between the three guide books we had and my (in)ability to read Latin, gave ourselves our own tour. We didn't do too badly, actually. But, it was not nearly as informative as I would have liked it to have been. The people we were with were really nice/interesting to talk to. The mom of the American duo turned out to be from Dallas originally, so we bonded (I accidentally typed boned, and almost left it for humour's sake). They were excellent company, and it was really a shame we had to leave them so soon. Darren and I had to get to the airport by seven and we wanted to go back to the Pantheon one more time before we left. We spent our last two hours in Rome sitting at a little café just outside the Pantheon, eating wonderful food, sipping wine, and people watching. It was, I think, the perfect way to end the trip.

During the cab ride to the airport, my heart was literally heavy. You know that sinking feeling in your chest? I've gotten that both times I have left Italy. I think my body is trying to tell me something. As I said before, I just absolutely love Italy and, now, Rome. I was very sad to leave it and will (not might) be going back soon. I really would like to learn a little Italian and maybe spend two or three weeks over there. Want to go with me?

Twenty Three

Ok, we need a new post; time to push Downer Debbie on down the page a bit.

As you all know, Tuesday was my Birthday. And it was, I have to say, a pretty damned good one. I spent Friday and Saturday at my Aunt's house in the country. It was also Will's (cousin's boyfriend) birthday, so we had a little joint celebration. There were decorations, presents, and cake. My mom mailed a big package of goodies for me and included, for reasons I don't necessarily understand, a Pin the Tail on the Donkey game. I think it was the first time in my entire life I have actually played that game - it only took twenty-three years.

Sunday was Texas Independence day and there was a bit of a shindig at the Texas Embassy. A group of us went around 2:00, expecting to have some lunch and our free drink and be on our way. They finally kicked us out eight hours - and eight margaritas - later. As Adam said, drinking Margaritas all day is a really great way to spend your Sunday - until you look in your wallet and realize your missing £40. I should really move somewhere more conducive to my lifestyle; that lifestyle being "poor".

Tuesday it snowed! In Texas anyway. I like to think that Texas got me snow for my birthday, but I just forgot to leave a forwarding address. All London got for me was freezing rain. Psh, I doubt I'll be inviting London again next year. I didn't really plan anything special, but I think that's exactly why I had so much fun. A couple of the girls from work and I shared a bottle of wine at my place before heading up to the weekly pub quiz. I feel I need to apologize on behalf of Laura and myself, as we were the only two to reach giggly drunk. For everyone else who was there, I hope we didn't embarrass you too much.

All in all, I have to say it was a pretty alright birthday. I sort of had this expectation that 23 would make me feel older. 22 just sounds so young to me. I didn't expect to wake up Tuesday morning to a whole new world or anything, but I did think that people might respect me a little bit more and maybe see me as less of a "kid". I was pretty excited about the 23 mark, that is, until people at work kept gasping at how young I am saying, "we thought you were 29!". Oh well, I guess one of these days I'll become an adult. I can't say I'm really in a big hurry...

I noticed the other day that I have managed to maintain the standard school holiday schedule since I've entered into the "real world". I took three weeks at Christmas, and I am taking next week off for Spring Break. Darren gets into town on Sunday, and we'll be spending three days in Rome next week. I'm incredibly excited about this trip. I've wanted to go to Rome since 8th grade, when I first started studying classics. I think my nerdometer may, in fact, explode. I'm taking the SLR on this one, so expect A LOT of pictures.