breaking the silence

I realized today that I’ve had a couple of rather significant changes in my life over the last three weeks that you folks may or may not be aware of.

First up, I’ve got a new home and, despite any fears and hesitations, it’s absolutely awesome. You may remember my last house – i.e. the box in Camden. I loved it, but the size and plumbing (to put it nicely) left something to be desired. My new house is a two storey, three bedroom flat with two – count them two – bathrooms. I have one of those huge overhead rain shower things. I am still basking in its glory. The whole place is newly remodelled, modern design and furnishings, super spacious and just generally nice. The girls I live with are lovely, hilarious and Australian. They both cook well and often and I take full advantage of this. We get along well, though their love for crappy TV rivals that of Brandan. I thought my previous roommate had trained me fully in the realm of reality TV, but these girls put Brandan’s TV obsessions to shame. It’s almost terrifying. I’ve been watching a lot of Girls of the Playboy Mansion and Run’s House. Go one, judge me. I dare you. I’m really very happy with my current living situation. I’ve got some picture somewhere that I may get around to posting for those that are curious.

Next up, I’ve got a new job. As most of you know, I’ve left the law firm for an architect’s firm. What most of you don’t know is that my boss (from both the law firm and now the new place) resigned last week leaving me in a slightly different position than I ever expected. It really sucks that she’s gone – she was a great boss to have – but the company is now forced to give me a lot more responsibility than they otherwise would have. I’m now directly involved in the rebranding of the firm; from deciding the new name up to designing the look and feel of the new brand. I am also moving a lot of the design and production work in house. I spent last week putting together the interim report which will be published next week. I am a hell of a lot busier now than I ever have been at work, but I think that’s a good thing and I’m kind of enjoying it (for the time being at least). It’s kind of worked out to be a good opportunity for me, even though I miss my lovely boss.

Other news: I’ve got a cold and I miss my car something fierce.

New music obsession: Regina Specktor “That Time” and “Fidelity”

New music disappointment: I heard “Paper Planes” on the radio the other day and, I suspect due to the excessive street violence in London, they have removed the the gun sound effects in the chorus and replaced them with some guy shouting “click click click... ching... BOOM”. It just doesn’t do it for me.

Iritis

I have a made up disease. At least, it sounds completely made up.

I saw two doctors who didn't know what was wrong with me before I went to a third who said "Hmm. Well, I think you have.... Iritis!". Essentially, my eyeball is swollen. Weird, right? I have to use steroid eye drops for a month as well as a dilation drop - which means I have one giant pupil and one normal one. I look like an Alien. If you know me, you'll know what a problem this is for me.

Creepy eyes indeed, Lauren.

Love is watching someone die

That song came on last night and it brought me to tears. The thought of my grandmother holding my granddad’s hand as he died is heart wrenching. Yet, at the same time, there is something beautiful in the idea of her watching her husband of fifty-seven years take his last breath. I don’t think lucky is the right word, but maybe it is. My granddad used to tell us about the first time he met my grandmother; he went straight home and told his parents he had met the woman he was going to marry. My grandmother was, as she puts it, “less sure”. I’m not sure what he did to convince her, or if she even needed much convincing, but fifty-seven years later, I think about the time they have shared together, the things they have accomplished together, the life they have experienced together, and the love they had for each other up until the very end and, well, I think I would wish that kind of luck on to everyone I know.

There was a brief moment during John and Lauren’s wedding reception in which Jeremy and I thought one of us might need to make a speech. While it never panned out – which is most likely for the best as I had no idea what to say at the time – it made me think later on about what I would have said given that opportunity. It’s important for me to let all of you know (you who read this and care about where I am and what I am doing even though we don’t talk every day) that I consider you my family. I’ve grown up with you, I’ve laughed with you, I’ve cried with you, I’ve argued with you, I’ve learned from you and I’ve probably broken several laws with you. I am so proud of the things we have all managed to accomplish and I sometimes can’t believe we haven’t completely fucked it up. This whole ‘life’ thing can be a little complicated and I am infinitely grateful to have had you all to help me through it. I don't mean to be overly sentimental, it's just that, in light of recent events, I wanted to take a moment to let you all know how honored I am to be your friend. That’s all. Love!

So who’s gonna watch you die?

Brecon Beacons and various other things

I spent the weekend in the Brecon Beacons, a national park in the North of Wales. We went horseback riding with a group called "Bushwhackers", which (as you may have been able to tell from the name) is not an entirely serious tour group. We spent maybe five hours horseback riding on Saturday. It was gorgeous. We rode through a tiny village on our way to the park, where we rode through rolling fields and then over a mountain. My horses name was Evan. He was my bud. It was a lot of fun, if not a little painful (my ass still hurts). However, we then spent about twelve hours drinking. Of the whole group, there were about five nationalities represented. We combined all our various rules for Kings and created a masterpiece of a drinking game. The whole weekend was great and there are a few photos up on facebook if you're interested.

Last Thursday, I went to a music festival in the Shoreditch area. Of the 100+ bands that were playing that night, I had only ever heard of one: The Octopus Project from good ole' Austin, Texas. They were great and made me feel at home. I saw a couple of other bands that night which I picked based solely on their names. The first one was The Strange Death of Liberal England. They were good. The second was The Keyboard Choir. They were freakin' awesome. They were literally five keyboards and a conductor (please see below). It cracked me up.

Summer is slowly starting to creep its way into London. We had some glorious weather last week; 80's and sunny. I've spent as much of my last three weekends outside as possible. I particularly enjoy taking a book to the park and sitting in the grass. Apparently, so does the rest of the city. Since the sunny weather, I have discovered my favourite thing about British people: give them a little bit of warmth and a patch of grass and they all get naked and eat ice cream. (please see below). It's hilarious and wonderful.

Creative Writing: read the second first.

The U.S.A. is repossessing the U.K.'s repossession.
A message from someone considerably less famous than John Cleese…


To the citizens of the United Kingdom:

In reply to your recent allegation of American incompetence and neglect of social norms and customs, please find laid out below a point for point response to each of your illegitimate claims.

First things first, lay off Kansas. Sure, it's not exactly a glamorous state, but Kansas was home to both George Washington Carver and Paul Rudd. Do you like peanut butter and emotionally immature gender neutral romantic comedies? Then give Kansas a break.

Secondly, we already hold a national survey to determine the populations' level of political awareness. It's called the general election, and 64% of us took part in 2004. If the UK finds this turnout unacceptably low, and I can already hear the “whinging” from across the Atlantic Ocean, I would suggest you address the matter of your own electoral letdown of 61% in 2005 before taking issue with ours.

1, 2, & 3. American English (which will henceforth be referred to as simply 'English') has far fewer regional accents and dialects than British English, and can therefore be regarded as being much closer to a standard form. For your reference, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines 'standard' as something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example. Some of your “accents” are so impossible to understand that they can scarcely be labeled as “language”, let alone any form of standard English. Also, please take note that adding extra, unnecessary letters to certain words is pompus and inefficient. This is yet another example of our impressive ability to streamline everything. Why type "doughnut" when "donut" is so much faster and less ridiculous? The next time you see fit to develop an operating system(or any piece of software) worthy of worldwide distribution, you can feel free to impose your spell checker on people. Until then, it's "realize" and "center", best you just get used to it. Also, on a somewhat unrelated note, we already know God Save the Queen. It's called My Country Tis of Thee.

4. The UK is just jealous of our eleven bank holidays to your eight. Besides, everyone likes fireworks and you know it. If you do not, I am suddenly not surprised that you live in England.

5. As 70% of the American population supports stricter gun control, we actually agree with you on this point. We have logged your complaint and will bring this to the attention of the other 30% in a timely manner. And another thing. If your barristers spent less time dressing up in wigs, you might feel inclined to make more use of them too.

6. We're ignoring this comment as it is simply far too silly. I will make an agreement with you, though. When your policemen cease wearing those absolutely ridiculous hats (I won’t even get into the guys in the red coats), we’ll consider carrying around vegetable peelers.

7. You may think your cars are more efficient than ours, but we know ours are more aesthetically pleasing. Case and point::

American Made Car














British Made Car














Of course, some of you might cite Aston Martin as the pinnacle of British automotive engineering. I would concede that they make a fine automobile, but then I would kindly remind you that they are owned by Ford, which means that once again, we, the Americans, have taken something you were careless with and seen it swiftly groomed to perfection (See: English language).

8. If it's all the same to you, we'll keep our infrastructure and units of measurement as is. We do just fine with Fahrenheit as the majority of us are capable of understanding numbers higher than 50.

9. This is why we got rid of the monarch - so we wouldn't be Royally screwed over gas prices.

10. Crisp isn't a food product, it's an adjective. In the good ole' U S of A we name our products after verbs, like sane people. When you fry a potato you end up with, you guessed it, a fry. Perfectly logical. Not to mention the fact that although a thicker-cut, English-style fried potato wedge is a popular dish in most Commonwealth countries, the thin style of french fries has been popularized worldwide by the US (please see the definition of "standard" above).

11. The United States of America would like to take this opportunity to state that the views and opinions of the Mass Production Breweries within our borders are expressly those of the Breweries and do not reflect the views and opinions of the country as a whole. In our defence, we would like to cite the Steam Brewery of California, as well as the Rogue Brewery of Colorado. We would also like to take a moment to point out the popularity of Budweiser within the UK. Shame on us? Shame on you.

12. According to the filmsite They Shoot Pictures Top 1000 Films, which collects votes from well over 1600 different film lists, there is only one British director listed in the Top 10 films of all time as of December 2007. (Well done, Alfred.) How’s about when you start to contribute more than 10% to the world's film industry, we'll think about including you in more Hollywood blockbusters. You've got to give a little to get a little. Also, isn’t Hugh Grant British? He’s in pretty much every movie over here. You can have him back, if you really want him, but we’re definitely keeping Paltrow.

13 & 14. You play a sport that takes three to five days to finish one match because the players are all faffing about sipping tea and enjoying little finger sandwiches with the crust cut off. And you call us nancies?

15. Lee Harvey Oswald. Apparently Google hasn’t made it into main stream British culture. This is forgivable, as it is our understanding you all still live in isolated villages of thatched-roof houses tending sheep and growing potatoes (or is the potato thing Ireland? All the same to us!).

16. The IRS has a hard enough time getting Americans to pay our own taxes (see: Wesley Snipes). If you want to have a crack at it, you're welcome to it.

17. We see where you're going with the cookies and cake angle. And, although we're a bit hesitant of the tea aspect of it all, we're intrigued by this "tea time" of yours. However promising this idea may be, it will have to be over promptly at 5 pm, as this is Happy Hour.


God Bless the USA.

Thanks for all of the great TV,
The Committee for American Retort






Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese


To the citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.>> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Regards,
JC

Cheese it, the fuzz!

I was awoken at 1:00 a.m. Monday morning as every single buzzer in my apartment building roared to life. These buzzers are, at the best of times, obnoxiously loud. Being woken up by a symphony of them nearly gave me a heart attack. My neighbour, Charles, took the initiative to find out what was going on. As soon as he lifted the latch to our main door, he was pushed aside by ten armed police officers.

All I heard was Charles informing the officers that "the stairs only go up one flight" and an officer responding "GET BACK IN YOUR FLAT!". As they clamoured up the stairs I, being half asleep and partially nude, had a sudden moment of panic; convinced I was about to be exposed to several members of Scotland Yard as the burst into my apartment looking for God knows what. Of course, this was not the case. The band of bobbies stopped on the first flight and turned into our strange courtyard (more like an enclosed alleyway) and searched the 5'x10' area much longer than you would think necessary for a 5'x10' area. I then heard them say something to the affect of "All clear, get back to the street" and they were gone.

The next day, I asked Charles if he knew what the hell that was all about. He shrugged and said "they wanted to get to the roof to arrest two Chinese woman in bathrobes".

I can now proudly say I have survived my very first police raid. I live in an interesting place.

Shelley

I've always held that I have a pretty crap name. I mean, Shelley? It's so awkward. It's only half a name, really. Everyone always asks if it's short for Michelle. No! If my name was Michelle, why would I want to go by Shelley? It's a name for a turtle, not a people.

My dad picked my name and has always justified it by saying "it's a proper British name". Didn't do me a lot of good - until now. I usually cringe when I hear people say may name. It always feels awkward to me. But, here in London, spoken with an accent, my name sounds normal! It's kind of nice.

Anyway, that was pointless. Here's a chart I found:

This is sort of hard to read, so I'll summarize. My name has not been popular since the late 50s, early 60s. It's been in steady decline ever since. Way to fight the trend, dad!

How do you feel about your name?