I am broken hearted.

I installed a normal update on my computer last night and, when prompted to restart, I did so. Now, my computer won't load the operating system; it only boots into Darwin (Mac's equivalent on DOS). After several attempts to contact the UK Mac Support line (did you know you can receive 24 hour technical support on your iPhone, but no other Mac products?), spending about 30 minutes using Google via a calling card and Jeremy, and calling the American tech support line (in this respect, the time zone thing really helped me out) I was told that, essentially, this was a freak accident that sometimes happens when installing normal updates and I may or may not have lost everything on my computer.

This is where I went into hysterics.

Everything. EVERYTHING may be gone. All of my music. Every picture I have taken over the last five years. Everything I have ever written. Things other people have written for me. Every design project I have ever created. All of my ads from portfolio. What it comes down to, is that my entire life has be erased.

I know that sounds incredibly dramatic, but I can't tell you the sense of loss I feel right now. It's like a loved one dieing - not like your mom or brother or someone else equally important; more like an estranged Aunt. It's just this profound feeling of helplessness. There's this sinking feeling in my chest when I think about all of the things I won't be able to replace. I feel victimized. I feel like someone has raped and pillaged my memories. All of these things that did once exist now, simply don't.

Again, I know how ridiculous this sounds from a purely logical standpoint. I should be able to restore a good 60% of my music library from my iPod, not to mention what I will steal from you lovely people at Christmas time. I should be able to get my portfolio work back from my Ad partners if I harass them enough. Most of the pictures that are truly important to me are in my scrapbook (mega-props to Brandan for getting me to do that) and then there are all those pictures online. That's the big three, as it were.

But it's all the little things that make my heart break. Random individual songs I've collected but never put on my iPod. New music I've bought in the last six months that never made it out of iTunes. Play lists I had made. Pictures that were too embarrassing or inappropriate to print, but were still brilliant nonetheless. A lot of random pictures I had saved from high school that never made it to the scrapbook. Things I had written in my spare time, just for fun. Things people had written for me as a romantic gesture or as a pick-me-up. I had a word document, from forever ago, of things John would say on AIM that made me laugh (John, I am pretty sure you know this, which makes it less creepy). I had a word document of everyone's reply to an away message question, "what's your favourite thing from this summer?" in reference to our last Summer before college. It's these things that I cannot replace that make me feel so empty all of a sudden.

I use to think losing my music collection would be the worse thing that could ever happen to me. This was a statement made back when I had a 500 CD case and the iPod had yet to be invented. Just a few days ago, I updated this statement and said that losing my facebook profile (as apparently you can, just randomly, have your facebook profile deleted) would be ghastly. It didn't even cross my mind that I could lose everything on my computer. It's like my brain could not even comprehend the horror of that reality and, therefore, refused to recognize it. Ironically, I have been toying with the idea of buying an external hard drive to back up all of my files for about a year now, but the cost/benefit analysis never worked out (i.e. I didn't think this was likely to happen and I didn't have $200 to spend on one).

Worst decision ever.

Double irony (as long as we are talking about irony) is that I never EVER update my computer when I am prompted. I just can't be bothered and, as of late, my internet has been too slow to do it. But, last night, for reasons only the gods will ever know, I decided to click "update" when prompted.

My mom is fed-exing me the original installation discs for my Mac. Best case scenario seems to be that they will be able to do an "archive re-install", meaning that they will be able to recover everything in my home folder. The only real downside to this is that I have no idea what my home folder is. So, if I was suppose to be adding things to my home folder (seems likely) there won't be much of anything to recover. I have my fingers crossed that things get automatically saved into my home folder… maybe?… please?

To top it all off, with my laptop out of commission I also lose my sole form on home entertainment. I can't watch DVDs, I can't listen to music, and I can't hang out online (not that I could really anyway (read: shitty internet)). I think part of why I was so upset last night was the realization that my entire pathetic life revolves around this one machine. I mean, I would have had a very happy evening watching Six Feet Under, listening to some music, reading, and falling asleep. But as soon as you take that away, I was struck with a serious moment of panic. The idea that that is all my life is; it's really disappointing.

To sum up: I've potentially lost a significant chunk of what I hold dear and have realized my life is an empty sham.

The lesson to be learned: Buy a fucking external hard drive, and buy it now.